i’m still here

(and everything is still awful) (but it gets better) (maybe)

on the same day
I tearfully call the veterinarian to
make plans for my porch cat’s
evening euthanasia
I pass the final exam for
a university math class
I’ve lived in fear of for twenty years
on the same day they tore down the
Lamplighter Inn
where my little sister lived years ago
that summer when
addiction was the alarm clock
by her bedside
everything is dying
everything is coming to life
this too shall pass
my former boss turned friend
has flowers delivered midday
and when the doorbell rings both
dogs go wild
I apologize to the delivery person
for the cacophony and she laughs
with a wave of her hand in the air
they’re just dogs she says
my brother sues me for defamation
for the hardest truth my mouth
has ever uttered
the only way it becomes believable
because he does it
again and again
on his last day our kitty
meows at the front door and walks in
and lays down and stays
the first time in years
I’ve only held a dying wish
a dying dream before today but
there are myriad ways to say goodbye
it will snow tonight
late for the start of the season
probably just a dusting
climates change too
and tomorrow
my son’s jeep won’t start in the
bitter cold
Mr. Kitty’s ashes will come home
and the dogs will go wild
when someone raps on the door
as if for the first time
even though it happens
again and again