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Aphantasia: Memento Mori & More
My different, disordered, disabled, mind’s eye.
I don’t think in pictures. It’s true. About 1% of the world’s population experiences Aphantasia alongside me. The definition of this “different way of thinking” (disorder? difference? disability?) is “the inability to form mental images of objects that are not present.” Quick. Visualize an apple. A red apple. Now imagine it with a bite missing. Watch it be eaten, down to the core. Visualize an apple core.
Can you? You don’t have Aphantasia then. Or, close your eyes. Count sheep. One. Two. Three. Four. Can you SEE the sheep? What do they look like?
I can’t. I thought people were speaking figuratively when they suggested “visualization” or used cliches like “pictures in my mind.” I cannot picture my childhood home, my grandmother’s hands, my own son’s face when he is far away and no photo is near. I’ve struggled with directions, driving or walking, forever, and just thought I was dumb when people would ask, “but haven’t you been there before?” I’m good at describing things that I “have knowledge of” — the descriptor I use when trying to explain that no I cannot PICTURE the thing, but I know it edge to edge. My son’s face. My grandmother’s hands. My childhood bedroom. There is no way for me to close my eyes and SEE them, but I KNOW them. You know?
